A Holiday Favorite

Another story from my troubled past. December 2006, I was asked to perform a task for the City Recreation Division. I thought nothing of it since I had been working odd jobs for the Rec. for about a year and a half. Coaching baseball, t-ball, basketball, football, senior citizen volleyball, kickball, I had done pretty much everything I figured that the Rec. could have me do. I was wrong. I was asked to help out with a program called “Santa Calls” and would be paid a flat rate of $20. With no additional information, I agreed to help out, besides it was the holidays. Later I showed up at the Rec. Division office where I was given a manila envelope that I would say weighed around 15 lbs. I was told that this envelope contained page after page of children’s names, phone numbers, and various other information you would find on a letter to Santa (e.g. gift ideas, whether or not you’ve been good or bad). My job was to call these kids pretending that I was Santa Claus who had just received these letters, and that I was checking in with the kids to see if everything was in order. Apparently the man that normally does this was ill. I can only assume his voice is much better than mine.
Immediately I was horrified. How could I get out of this? No kid would believe that I’m the voice of St. Nick. Maybe I could pretend I’m an elf and tell the children that Santa was sick and couldn’t speak on the phone. No, that’s wrong. I had no choice. I had to save Christmas. On my way home I began thinking of how much flack I was going to take from my roommates when they heard me on the phone, shut away in my room, talking to little kids with a fake low booming voice. My house was not an option. My parents’ house was not an option. I wouldn’t be able to explain. Is there an appropriate explanation that doesn’t involve demonstrating a clear criminal record with no prior counts of sexual misconduct? I decided to drive away in my truck to a poorly lit and empty, gravel parking lot, which seemed like the best option. Later I would understand this made me a ideal guest star for the hit Dateline series “To Catch a Predator”. There I sat in the driver’s seat with the dome light on and began calling child after child.
“HO HO HO! Hi Billy, this is Santa! How are you!?”
Fear was the usual response, dark paralyzing fear. Most kids said nothing.
“Do you still want a Gameboy ™ this year!? HO HO HO!”
Silence.
This went on for about three hours and, finally, after explaining to numerous parents why their kids’ Santa sounded like an underdeveloped 20 year old boy instead of a grizzled 60 year old man, and swiftly following that with an apology, I was done. Wiping the sweat from my brow, and the fog off the windows, I drove home and pretending like nothing had ever happened.

THANKS













For a list of sexual offenders in your area please visit this website:
http://www.familywatchdog.us/Default.asp
Here's a couple of party animals that live by me:
http://www.familywatchdog.us/ViewOffenderConvictions.asp?oID=NC002645S11&aid=148434806&at=1&sp=1
http://www.familywatchdog.us/ViewOffenderConvictions.asp?oID=IA652341&aID=148538911&at=1&sid={58AF4994-2887-46A2-9F5B-E1A5AA5A9E11}&lat=41.653516&long=-91.540368&clr=%2300ff00&rm=0
http://www.familywatchdog.us/ViewOffenderConvictions.asp?oID=IA30452191&aid=148537041&at=1&sp=1