So here it is, the premise of my blog. Being an extraordinarily awkward person I often find myself in awkward situations, or normal situations that I turn awkward through a total lack of self confidence or a simple misuse of my already minimal social skills. I take great delight in sharing these situations with my friends who are usually receptive and later pleased. Now that I have decided to move away for a while to a strange new place I am likely to experience many more sticky situations. Like I said before a good friend of mine, who understood this better than anyone, told me I should consider starting a blog so I could share my adventures with everyone who wants to hear them. I considered. I am now writing.
(Warning: This post is rated PG-13 for adult language. If you have not taken 6th grade sexual education I advise you to check out this website http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/sex.html then read further for a continued educational experience)
Well, about 3 weeks ago I woke up around 3:45 a.m. totally convinced that my testicles were not in the correct spot. Males, typically have two testicles, a right and a left. I believed, with more conviction than anything I have ever believed in my entire life, that my right and left had become my left and right. In a cold sweat I shot up from my pillow. This would be my last quick movement for I could feel my testicles laying vertically on top of each other. Like a hostage negotiator I had to play it cool. Quickly and calmly I surveyed the situation. Being somewhat of mathematician I came to the grave realization that I had a 50/50 chance of my parts falling back into the correct spot (i.e. the right to the right and the left to the left). I wasn't sure which one was on top and which was on bottom at this point so I flipped the coin and rolled over letting the chips fall as they may if you will. Sleep didn't come easy the rest of the morning. I couldn't shake the feeling that they weren't in the right position. Images of bull castration passed through my mind. The way they used rubber bands to cut off the circulation in effect leaving the testicles dead, eventually, I assume, falling off. I gave myself about a week before mine too fell off. I asked friends if what I described was possible. They said yes but attempted to quell my fears by telling me, with a few chuckles, that I would be in much more pain than I seemed to be if my testicles had actually switch places. I kept thinking that "testicle swap", as I had began calling it, is no joke, and how did they know I wasn't in pain. I had 3 days left. Anything I could find on the Internet about this silent killer would help. Web MD yielded these results after a simple symptom checker check list of "pain and discomfort in the genitalia, specifically testicles". Syphilis, erectile dysfunction, hernia... and there it was, I had seen the name before and now after seeing it on Web MD I knew it was fate, my disorder, "testicular torsion". Wikipedia has this to say about TT:
Torsions are sometimes called "winter syndrome". This is because they often happen in winter, when it is cold outside. The scrotum of a man who has been lying in a warm bed is relaxed. When he arises, his scrotum is exposed to the colder room air. If the spermatic cord is twisted while the scrotum is loose, the sudden contraction that results from the abrupt temperature change can trap the testicle in that position. The result is a testicular torsion.
Had someone been in my room that fateful night? The description was so accurate. The page was last updated on July 18th, 2008. My head began to spin. One day left. I decide to wait it out. There wasn't much I could do at this point anyway. The hours turned to minutes, the minutes to slightly less than a couple minutes. Eventually the rest of the night slipped away after checking around the floor and retracing my steps through the house, looking for my dead testicles, I concluded that they were still attached and I had not contracted testicular torsion. A final obvious check and I was slightly more convinced. Now it's only a matter of time until I'm sure everything is functioning correctly and I can concern myself with bigger problems like my crippling glucose allergy or my over active sweat glands.
THANKS
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