It’s good to be back. For the past several weeks all my energy has been focused on FoxNews, but now I’m more open minded than ever and ready to share my thoughts.
After watching the past couple of elections closely I get the sense that Ohio and Florida think they’re better than they really are. Each election cycle all eyes turn to these two over privileged states. Other than their population they really don’t deserve this attention. We can be honest here, no one really cares about Ohio, and Florida has proved time and time again that they are grossly incompetent in anything that doesn’t involve singing animatronic midget children from all across the world.
It’s time for a change, Iowa. We can be one of those pampered states on the receiving end of all that undeserved political attention. Last January we got a taste of it during the caucus, but even the star power that came from being the first caucus is beginning to fade. Candidates opt out of campaigning here in order to spend more time in New Hampshire. Tell me one good thing New Hampshire has ever done. Iowa, we can do better. You better believe that if Ohio held the first primary politicians would flock to that state, performing the political equivalent of fellatio on all those buckeyes.
What do we lack? What would it take for Iowa to become a political juggernaut? People. We need sheer numbers. Multitudes of people. Bumbling, slobbering, idiotic people. That’s all it takes. Every so often the United States redistributes the number of representatives per state. There are only 435 to go around and the allocation is based proportionately on state population. Our voice in this election was limited to 7 lousy electoral votes, and it’s about time we get our grubby paws on some more. Ohio has 20 total electoral votes, Florida with 27. My friends it is time to have our voices heard.
What comes next? I’m not sure how to put this politely… It’s time to get dirty Iowa. If we want to be pampered like divas we’ve got to screw like Paris Hilton. We need to start pumping out colossal numbers of babies. Tonight we can start on our path to the top. In nine months we can increase our population by roughly 30%. Every nine months, repeat. The next time those census takers are released onto our state they’ll be knee deep in toddlers. Iowa’s population in 2006 was 2,982,085. In 2012 we could be up to 8 million, just a couple million away from Ohio. Don’t worry we’ll be there by 2018, and ladies it will only get easier.
Some of us who start out on this journey may not live to see the day when Iowa truly gets the representation we deserve. Don’t get discouraged. I assure you we will overcome, and please, think of the children. The millions upon millions of children. The multitudes of starving children out in the streets all crawling on top of each other. They deserve to have their voices heard.
After watching the past couple of elections closely I get the sense that Ohio and Florida think they’re better than they really are. Each election cycle all eyes turn to these two over privileged states. Other than their population they really don’t deserve this attention. We can be honest here, no one really cares about Ohio, and Florida has proved time and time again that they are grossly incompetent in anything that doesn’t involve singing animatronic midget children from all across the world.
It’s time for a change, Iowa. We can be one of those pampered states on the receiving end of all that undeserved political attention. Last January we got a taste of it during the caucus, but even the star power that came from being the first caucus is beginning to fade. Candidates opt out of campaigning here in order to spend more time in New Hampshire. Tell me one good thing New Hampshire has ever done. Iowa, we can do better. You better believe that if Ohio held the first primary politicians would flock to that state, performing the political equivalent of fellatio on all those buckeyes.
What do we lack? What would it take for Iowa to become a political juggernaut? People. We need sheer numbers. Multitudes of people. Bumbling, slobbering, idiotic people. That’s all it takes. Every so often the United States redistributes the number of representatives per state. There are only 435 to go around and the allocation is based proportionately on state population. Our voice in this election was limited to 7 lousy electoral votes, and it’s about time we get our grubby paws on some more. Ohio has 20 total electoral votes, Florida with 27. My friends it is time to have our voices heard.
What comes next? I’m not sure how to put this politely… It’s time to get dirty Iowa. If we want to be pampered like divas we’ve got to screw like Paris Hilton. We need to start pumping out colossal numbers of babies. Tonight we can start on our path to the top. In nine months we can increase our population by roughly 30%. Every nine months, repeat. The next time those census takers are released onto our state they’ll be knee deep in toddlers. Iowa’s population in 2006 was 2,982,085. In 2012 we could be up to 8 million, just a couple million away from Ohio. Don’t worry we’ll be there by 2018, and ladies it will only get easier.
Some of us who start out on this journey may not live to see the day when Iowa truly gets the representation we deserve. Don’t get discouraged. I assure you we will overcome, and please, think of the children. The millions upon millions of children. The multitudes of starving children out in the streets all crawling on top of each other. They deserve to have their voices heard.
THANKS!
